The Crack! Express
by Consulting Squids
Summary: The TARDIS is in love with the Doctor, who happens to be in love with River, who all visit the Hogwarts Express-which is bigger on the inside-and meet a man who looks familiar and owns a fob watch. River/Doctor, TARDIS/HogwartsExpress, Crack!Fic, R&R :D
1. Chapter 1

Complete crack!fic crossing over Harry Potter and Doctor Who. Not sure where it's going exactly. Have fun. :)

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><p>The TARDIS was not happy with the Doctor, not one bit. She loved the Doctor with all her heart (and her heart was one powerful entity), but the Doctor had taken to traveling with that blonde woman, River Song. The TARDIS liked River at the start, when she first learned to steer her. She did it properly. The TARDIS did love the Doctor, but River was so much more conscientious of trivial matters such as parking breaks, and the TARDIS fully appreciated being steered <em>properly<em>. _For_ _once_.

Once the TARDIS realized, though, that the Doctor and River's relationship was a bit beyond mere friendship, she was heartbroken. She _loved _the Doctor, but she was no longer able to express it. She longed to regain human form, if only for a minute so she could explain to the Doctor how she felt, but she couldn't, and the Doctor was completely oblivious to her lugubriousness and any attempts she made at insurrection. Her heartbreak made her beligerent, and over and over again, she took to purposefully sending the Doctor and River to dangerous situation in the hope that River would get killed by an angry space alien and the Doctor would come back to the TARDIS, heartbroken and looking for consolation. The Doctor might die, but he'd just regenerate and it would be the two of them again. Anything, just so he would _notice_ her again! The TARDIS was desperate.

But alas, every dangerous scenario that the Doctor and River were thrust into, they solved the danger and were praised and immortalized by the planetary residents. To make matters worse, after each danger, the Doctor and River seemed to become very, _very_ friendly in the main control room. The nerve of them! The more perilous the danger, the friendlier they seemed to be with one another.

The TARDIS wouldn't have it. So she decided to end it all and create a paradox-a paradox that even the Doctor couldn't handle!

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><p>Barty Crouch Jr. was an unhappy man. His father was a cold and cruel man for the sake of <em>goodness <em>and _righteousness_ and Barty himself was blamed for being recruited by the evil forces of the dark Lord Voldemort. Where did he go wrong? He was just a _man_ for Merlin's sake! He couldn't be blamed for each and every fault of his. And the Dark Lord did have some pretty convincing arguments, what with the whole 'Join me or die'.

So Barty kept on living his life, trying to do the best he could with the little he had. The only family that had ever been kind to him, his mother, was dead, and now the Dark Lord had a plan for him. Barty was to regain control of his family's oldest possession, the Hogwarts Express. He _needed_ to do this. With the Hogwarts Express in his control, Lord Voldemort could gain control of Hogwarts itself, and the Muggle railways! It didn't take him long. Within a few short months he had all of the train staff skillfully imperiused, and he posed as the main conductor. As he started the train journey from London, he surveyed his surroundings. He was quite proud of how far he'd got in only a few months. He pulled his old pocket watch out of his waistcoat. It was a funny old thing, not quite real, it seemed. And it had strange markings. It was broken, he knew, but he wasn't quite sure how he knew. He never opened it; the latch was stuck, but it never seemed of much importance. It was just a thing. Barty Crouch Jr. thought everything was quite normal and going perfectly well.

That is, until a big blue box materialized not five inches from his nose, and a man with _ridiculous_ floppy hair, a bow tie and a fez, opened the door and popped his head out.

No, this was not what either had expected.

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><p>End of chapter 1. Thank you, lovelies. Read and review.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2, in which Barty Crouch Jr. meets the Doctor and River, who bicker and eventually run off on a quest for food.

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><p>The man with ridiculous hair paused for a moment, just staring at Barty, before retracting his head back through the doors of the blue box and closing them.<p>

"River!" Barty heard him yell, "This is bad. Stay where you are!"

He then heard a woman's voice, muffled through the doors, "What's bad, sweetie? Where are we?"

Barty continued to listen intently to their gibberish.

"We seem to have materialized right in front of me. When I was younger. And wearing a waistcoat!"

"Ooh, how much younger?"

"Just a regeneration ago."

"Ooh, I liked you then."

"You didn't know me then."

"No, you didn't know me. Come on, let's go! I want to see you!"

The doors began to open again but were closed abruptly, just giving Barty enough time to see a curly-haired blonde woman.

"River, no! I think this may have been my… Weird phase…"

Barty stood there in confusion as their conversation carried on. He drew his wand, prepared for the worst. If this was some sort of old magic and they intended to take back the Hogwarts Express with their stupid blue box, they were very much mistaken! Though, this strange blue box looked somewhat familiar. Like something in his dreams. Dreams of traveling to other worlds, fantastic dreams! But dreams mostly faded and forgotten.

"What was weird about your phase, Doctor?" the blonde woman asked.

"I… I'd been traveling alone for a while and everything seemed to be going wrong. So I thought I'd do less damage as a human and went all 'let's use that chameleon arch'. _Again_. Which, let me tell you, is never a good thing to do. First time I end up falling in love with a human-no offense- and then the second time… _Well_, the second time I became a serial murderer wizard."

"A _serial_. _Murderer_. _Wizard_. Well _done_."

"Shut up, River. We need to get out of here. If we stay here too long timelines will cross but not in a good way and we'll have created a paradox. In which we'll die."

"All right then. If you're so content with living."

Barty heard some sort of engines roaring for a moment and the blue box started to dematerialize, however, only a few moments later it was right there in front of him again, solid as ever.

"Gaaah!" Barty heard the same man's voice from inside, "She won't dematerialize! I don't know why! We'll just have to carry through this sequence of events. River! Can you pass me my sonic screwdriver? Let's go."

The man popped out of the blue box once more, closely followed by the blonde woman. "Hello," he said, "I'm the Doctor."

"And I'm River Song," said the blonde woman, "Lovely to, _er_, meet you."

Barty stood there flabbergasted.

"And you can put your wand away," said the Doctor, "We're not here with the intention of harming or killing or injuring you in any way. Nor do we plan to sabotage or kill the Dark Lord."

Barty looked around, deeply confused.

River eyed him, interested. "You never told us your name, mister."

"Um," said Barty Crouch Jr. "I'm Barty Crouch Jr."

"_River,_" The Doctor moaned at her, "Stop flirting with another man."

"I'm only flirting with _you_" she whined back.

"But I was _evil_ then!"

"But you were wearing a waistcoat-!"

"Excuse me!" Barty cut in, "What are you talking about? Who are you? What is that blue box? And why are you wearing a fez?"

"Sorry," said the Doctor, "We're just passing through. Though it seems our transportation has gotten a little stuck," he gestured to the blue box, "And fezzes are cool. Where are we anyway?"

"You're on the Hogwarts Express." Barty hissed, "And this was _NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN_!" he shouted, catching both River and the Doctor by surprise.

"You know, the Dark Lord asked only _this_ from me, to get the Hogwarts Express to Hogwarts so he and all the other Death Eaters could gain control of the school and every witch or wizard in it. And everything was _GOING TO PLAN_. So _WHY_ is it that some idiot with a _HAT_ just _MATERIALIZES_ in front of me right before what would have been the greatest achievement of my life!"

"Sorry about that," said the Doctor, smiling, "But I'm afraid we're stuck here for a little while. Well, as long as it takes for the TARDIS to decide to cooperate again. So… if you don't mind us hanging about for a little while..? I'm feeling a bit hungry. River? Let's see what food they have here."

And with that, the man who calls himself the Doctor and the woman named River Song proceeded to wander down the carriages of the Hogwarts Express. Barty Crouch Jr. did not know what the _hell_ was going on.

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><p>I swear, things will start to make a bit more sense... Well, sense for a crack!fic. Please read &amp; review, and thank you for reading! :D<p> 


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